It was already going to be a crazy day. The girls had an 8:00 dentist appointment, the boys 2:00. I find dental visits to be very stressful. The bad news, the expense, the struggle to get them all to a certain place at a certain time(with all of their teeth brushed). Stress.
My sweet, darling, wonderful husband woke me up and had my coffee waiting on me. I love that man!
He left for work and I grab my jacket from the floor where I had dropped it the day before. As I pick it up I heard something hit the floor. I HEARD something hit the floor. I looked down and almost DIED. It was a BIG FUCKING SPIDER. (Sorry, Mom.)
I did what anyone would do in a case such as this. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a cup. It makes perfect sense to me. I slapped the cup on top of the BFS and went out on the porch. I did put the jacket on. Because I am not scared.
Now normally I have to fight with myself to stay up that early in the morning. Not this time. Wide awake! Did I mention it was my bedroom floor?
I spend a little while trying to decide what to do about this spider under a cup. Yes, I know I could have just squished him. Had I squished him, no one would know how huge he was. A smear is not very impressive.
While I pondered my dilemma, I texted that sweet, darling, wonderful man I married. He responded with LOL. That BASTARD! And all day long he was texting 'snicker' at me. His new name is Bastard. Maybe by Christmas he will be back to husband.
Now before I tell you how I handled the BFS, I have to point out that not only is it dentist day but also 8 days before Christmas. I am not ready. No tree, no presents, no cookies. Nothing. My house is trashed. My yard is trashed. I am behind in everything. We had a cub scout Christmas party on Monday and a girl scout Christmas party on Tuesday. I am stressed. I am behind. I am dropping balls left, right and center. And bright and early Wednesday morning, a spider decided to scare the crap out of me. So please don't judge me for what I am about to tell you.
I took an envelope and slid it under the cup. I very carefully picked it up and walked to the kitchen. I flipped the cup and envelope over, removed the envelope and looked inside. Yep. It was still a BFS. I took a picture. Covered the cup with plastic wrap with a rubber band. I sent the picture to my husband followed by a single word. Bastard. He snickered. Bastard.
Now I have to decide what to do with this cup.
Call me crazy, but I gave the cup a shake. Not a vigorous shake. Just enough to knock the spider off his feet. And I felt better. I set the cup down with a tap. Yep, I feel better. No spider is allowed to crawl up in my jacket and scare the crap out of me. Never mind that my jacket was on the floor.
I took the girls to the dentist. Found out they need $600 worth of stuff done. Gulp! Most of that is sealants which my insurance does not cover. What kind of sense does that make? Stress. Came home, shook the cup. Felt better.
I took the boys to the dentist. Found out they need $600 worth of stuff done. Double gulp! Again with the sealants. STRESS! Came home, shook the cup, texted BASTARD to that man I married, felt better.
So here it is Thursday. I spent 5 hours dealing with AT&T. Can you spell S-T-R-E-S-S? I don't even have to shake the cup anymore. I just have to think about shaking the cup. And text a BASTARD to the husband. And I feel better.
The spider's name is Herman. He is missing a leg. I didn't do that. I found him that way. He is still in the cup with the plastic wrap and rubber band. I am wondering what kind of spider he is and if he needs a snack. What do you feed spiders? The Bastard says they eat ankles.
Should I release him into the wild? I can't squash him. He has a name. What to do? What to do?
I do love you.
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